My So Called Life?

I caught my wife watching re-runs of My So Called Life the other night. Okay, so I didn't really catch her; she watches them all of the time, and I usually end up watching them with her. But for my purposes here, I caught her! We both reflected on how we watched them in a completely different light back when they first aired, and we could remember exactly how we felt back then. She remarked how she remembers feeling exactly like Claire Danes' character. I began to think that that show really did do a great job of capturing the adolescent experience. And watching it today from the perspective of a parent, and a mature (sort of) adult, I see that the producers and director's really hit the nail on the head. Especially capturing the entire family dynamic, because now I identify more with the parents on the show. It's a shame that they cancelled it so quickly.

We then proceeded to watch the show Parenthood. Completely opposite end of the spectrum. It's a similar concept, but on a bigger scale with more of a focus on the parents, hence the name of the show... In this particular episode, one of the character's kids gets dumped by her boyfriend. Note that there was no cut and dry reason for the breakup. In today's terms we would say it's complicated. I could relate to the boyfriend's character. I actually empathized with the character, and felt sympathy for the female character. And all of a sudden, I felt myself getting a bit emotional, reflecting on former relationships of my own.

It's strange for me, because I was never dumped. I was never a Casanova, nor was I a player. I dated. I had some casual relationships. A few semi-serious relationships. Even had a couple of serious relationships before I started dating my wife. While reflecting on my past relationships, I realized a few things:

• Man was I insecure. I broke up with a girl because I figured it was only a matter of time before she dumped me, so I might as well just end it myself. 
• Man was I the jealous type. I broke up with another girl because I thought she was going to cheat on me, so I just ended it to avoid the impending infidelity!
• Man was I selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed. And apparently a little dense, too. I went from being in a fucked-up, co-dependent relationship where I was selfless to a fault; to being single, carefree, indulgent and self-absorbed. I casually dated a girl who I really liked after the fucked-up relationship, told myself (and her) that it wasn't a rebound (because it was just casual). But really I just wasn't ready to give up my new found freedom from co-dependence, even when I realized I was falling for her. What I thought were her mixed signals were me just being an idiot,  and not realizing that she really liked me too.
• Man was I immature. Plain and simple. I needed to grow up. Not just in my teens-even in my early 20s. Especially in my early 20s. But who wants to grow up then? That's the time for indulgence...

I've gained an interesting perspective on that period of my life. The times that I was a self-loathing hedonist, I was dealing with a lot of issues. But I had to go through them. All of them. The horrible jerk that I was to those relatively innocent girls has vanished. He was a necessary evil stepping stone on my path to adulthood. I am not trying to justify who I was, or how I acted. But at least I now know why.

Emotional maturity didn't come easy to me, but that's another topic completely. Maybe me being an asshole somehow helped some of these girls figure out the type of guy they didn't want to be with... Well, we've all grown up  (for the most part; mentally I'm still 18 sometimes!) I guess this is my half-assed version of an apology to them.